Letters
by Mystic83
Summary: They had no relationship before the death of the man they both loved. They had barely even spoken more than five times while at the Academy together. She didn’t even know he blamed his old man until it was too late. He didn’t even know she loved his br


The bunkroom was empty. The gods really must be watching over her.

Kara slipped into the dark room, still clutching her dress to her body. When she had pulled it up so quickly, there hadn't been time to fasten it properly or even make sure that it wasn't on backwards. All she knew was that she had to get out of Gaius's quarters as quickly as possible, and proper attire hadn't been a concern at the time.

Groaning, she recalled why she had to leave so suddenly. It had been a stupid slip of the tongue and something she had never done before. What hurt the most was it was the truth.

Her luck had managed to hold through as she tiptoed down the corridors of Galactica without running into more than a handful of deckhands. Sighing, Kara let the dress slip down her body to pool on the ground and walked over to her locker to retrieve some of her more normal attire. Someone would pick up the dress later and return it to the kind people of the fleet who had lent the pilots and crew proper attire for the celebration.

After pulling a towel around her body, Kara threw the clothes on her bunk, grabbed a bar of soap, and made her way to the community showers across the corridor. She had a slightly dirty feeling all over her body and was hoping that a quick shower might help some.

In the uncharacteristic solitude of the showers, she found that her thoughts couldn't be shoved to the back of her head, and excuses weren't really going to work this time. Sure, she would have liked to keep telling herself that there had really been no reason behind her slip-up. She had been dancing with Lee earlier that night and, to be honest, Gaius did look a little like him. It was an honest mistake, what with her being so pleasantly distracted from her normal mode of operations. The whole situation was surreal.

"That's bullshit, Kara, and you know it," she told herself, punching the shower off.

She had purposely picked Gaius Baltar out of the crowd of men groveling over the sight of her in a dress. She figured him an easy target. The type of guy who couldn't keep his dick in his pants if it was a matter of life or death. She was counting on him being the type to frak her and then ask her to leave because he had work to do. It wasn't like she actually wanted to sleep with him. Hell, she didn't even like him that much.

The one man she actually liked was off limits to her in so many ways.

So she did the only thing that she could possibly do. She found a guy who she could close her eyes with and pretend. A man who wouldn't seem insulted if he knew that she was imagining another man in his place.

Wrapping the towel around her wet body, she thought about the man she had believed was so perfect for the job. Baltar was a lot more brutal than she had thought. The bruises all over her body evidenced that. He had been vicious, almost as if frakking her was his way of exerting control over something. She would never have picked Gaius as being a vindictive, bitter man, but the look in his eyes as she shrank out of the room told her that he was.

She slipped on a pair of regulation undershirts and shorts before throwing the towel into the bottom of her locker, to be disposed of at another time.

This little screw-up would probably get a lot worse. Baltar no longer seemed like the type of man who would take hearing a woman moan another man's name in bed sitting down. She gave him two hours before his temper got the better of him and the gossip starting circulating Galactica. It shouldn't bother her as much as it did. It wasn't like she had tried to hide her intentions when she left the celebration with the new Vice-President.

She guessed that it only bothered her that Lee might find out what she had done from the rumor mill and not from her own mouth. She wasn't sure if sleeping with Gaius Baltar or moaning Lee's name while doing it would creep Lee out or infuriate him. They had never investigated that part of their relationship, and she had no clue what he would think when he heard.

Kara sat on her bunk and slid to lie on her stomach, staring at the small locker door at one end of the bed. A pilot's bed locker was off limits to anyone, even the best of friends. It was where the person placed the things that meant the most to them, the things that reminded them of home. Most people did end up sharing the contents of what was inside with someone at some point. At the very least, the other pilots knew what the others were hiding inside.

She had never told a soul what was in her locker. Not even Lee.

She knew the not knowing irked him, but she couldn't let him know. He would probably laugh at her uncharacteristic sentimental-ness. She corrected herself almost immediately. Lee would laugh, but then he would understand. Because that was what he did.

The door clicked open easily under her hands. She kept it well oiled for a reason. People would start asking questions if they heard the small door creak open every night when the bunkroom should have been quiet. She had decided right after she first started receiving them onboard the Galactica that it would be too hard to explain the letters to anyone. They wouldn't understand.

She didn't want them to understand.

Looking in, she smiled at the picture of the three Adama men together on a fishing trip that was pasted on the back of the compartment. It was an old family photo that William Adama had given her right when she got transferred to his command. He said that he wanted her to have something that meant a lot to Zak. Kara had known it was his subtle way of saying that she might not be family by name but she was family in every other way.

She broke eye contact with the men smiling out at her from the picture and reached over to grab the stack of letters. Some were rather old looking, beaten and torn from multiple readings, while others looked as if they had just been delivered the day before. She carefully untied the string that bound the letters together and spread out the last two years in front of her.

Picking up the least worn, she unfolded the paper and began to read.

__

Dear Kara,

The higher-ups keep telling me that I have to attend the decommissioning of my father's beloved hunk of junk. I know that you don't like to hear me call Galactica that, but I've never really seen why it's so important, to you or to him. It is completely outdated and no longer an asset to the Twelve Colonies. I don't expect to ever understand why you both love it so much.

For the first time in a long while, I feel like going against my orders and refusing to leave the Atlantia where I've been stationed for the past few months. They don't understand that every time I'm around my father, I feel like I'm going to hurt someone or something. I'm curious to see you, though. Word in the fleet says that you might just be the best pilot the Academy has ever turned out. Knowing how well I control a Viper, I'm pretty sure they're mistaken. But we'll never know until we meet in the skies.

Lee

Kara smiled to herself, refolding the letter. She had gotten this one right before Lee arrived on Galactica. It was short and sweet with this tension underlying ever word, just like Lee.

She could remember hearing from some deckhand that the Commander's son was scheduled to arrive on Galactica just as the letter entered her hand. Her stomach had done a little flip. The idea of seeing Lee and actually being able to talk to him for a full conversation made her nervous and excited at the same time.

Remembering that feeling she had had, even though their "reunion" had been interrupted by her taking a swing at a superior officer, she couldn't help but smile. She tucked the letter to the side before reaching out for one of the older, more worn letters. She lifted it to her nose and breathed in. She could still feel everything that was Caprica on the letter.

__

Kara Thrace,

I know we never really talked much during Academy, and the few times we did, we didn't really get along. But I think that we should try now. My brother would have wanted me to know the girl he loved and planned to marry. I want to apologize for making a scene after the funeral. If it might have upset you in any way, I'm sorry. It was not my intention. My father and I have never really seen eye to eye on a lot of things, including Zak. I heard that you were being transferred to his ship. If what they're saying about your skill in a Viper is true, then I'm sorry for the assignment. It will be a waste of talent. But, hopefully you can find something out there to keep you occupied. Good hunting, Starbuck.

Lieutenant Lee Adama

That was the first letter he had ever written her. His father handed it to her as he showed her to where she would be bunking during her stay on Galactica. William Adama had joked about how famous she must be if she was already receiving mail even before she was in full pilot rotation.

She hadn't answered Lee's letters at first. He wrote her every few weeks for months, and never once did he ask for her to write him back. She figured it was his cathartic way of dealing with the loss of his brother. Plus, she barely felt compelled to eat and sleep let alone answer the letters of a man she didn't really know. The only thing that got her from one day to the next was flying.

She smiled down at the letter written by a Lee Adama she had not known before refolding it and placing it on top of the other she had read. He had been so proper and courageous in his words doing those first few months of letters. Almost as if he was doing her a favor by devoting his time to writing to her. If she had had her normal wits about her, she would have been insulted.

The door of the hatch opened up, spilling the cold of the corridors into the pilots' quarters. Kara's hand froze from grabbing the next letter, and she quickly shoved the papers underneath a pillow.

"Hi, Starbuck, sir," Cally said, giving her a hesitant smile. "Chief sent me in here to grab an extra flight suit for Shifty. He had a little accident with some engine lubricant, and he's due for the early patrol in fifteen. I'll be quick."

Starbuck did her best to give Cally a pleasant nod before whipping the curtain to her bunk closed. The deckhand was really a nice girl. Good with her hands when it came to a Viper. But Kara didn't like to be interrupted when she took these trips down memory lane. That was why she usually did it in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. No one questioned her or tried to pry during the night. They probably just assumed that she had the nightmares. Nightmares would necessitate dreaming, though, which was something she hadn't done since the Cylons declared war.

She waited until she heard the hatch close behind Cally before moving the pillow and picking up another letter.

__

Starbuck,

Your letter was a pleasant surprise. I was beginning to think that you hadn't been receiving the ones I sent you. You can never be sure with the Galactica.

Kara smiled. She could just imagine Lee smiling at writing his subtle jab at the ship his father loved and respected. She could also see him pausing in his writing to wonder if he was overstepping his bounds in writing to her about the things that he did. That boy never wanted to do anything wrong. She turned her attention back to the next paragraph.

__

His birthday hit me hard, too. I could just imagine all the times in the past where I had taken him out on an adventure for that day. It seemed that all he really wanted for his birthday was to spend time with me. Most of the time my mother forced me to agree to these special adventures, just the two of us in the "wilds" of Caprica. I think I'll be eternally grateful to her for pressuring me. Those times with Zak are really the only thing I can remember anymore. He treated me like a god, like a hero. It was hard to know that some of the things I could do he could never do. As much as he tried, he just didn't have it in him to fly. And, as a hero, I just couldn't get him to understand that. As his brother, I couldn't find it in my heart to tell him he was wrong.

I'm sorry for rambling on about nothing. Like I said, your letter seems to have thrown me off.

Apollo

Kara rubbed her eyes to keep the tears inside. She could hide the letters from anyone coming into the room, but she was pretty sure tears would be harder to conceal. If Cally had wasted a little more time making her way up to the pilots' quarters, she would have walked in to witness the toughest pilot in the fleet transforming into a squabbling mess. Kara knew from experience once she got started, she wouldn't stop.

This particular letter had meant a lot to her, then and now. It almost made her laugh to think that Lee had such a power over her, though he was completely unaware of it. For most of her life, she had prided herself on being in control of her emotions. It was what made her so successful at flying in those early days. Then, Zak had died, and Lee came into her life. Just seeing the words he had written on the page made her want to curl up and let herself go. It wasn't a feeling she was comfortable with but one she had learned to get used to.

This had been the letter that changed her opinion about Zak's older brother. She had always thought that Lee Adama was cold and devoted to following the rules. He wouldn't do anything reckless or hotheaded if you offered him whatever he wanted. That was the reputation he earned in flight school, and it still stuck with him today.

At the funeral, Lee had showed no emotion at all. No anger, no sadness, no joy. At least now that she could see. She, however, had been a crying mess the whole time while he just stood out of the way, stiff as a statue. Zak had always talked about how much he loved his brother and how Lee was such a good pilot and such a good brother. She had tried to believe him even when the rumors told her that the Lee Zak knew was nothing like the Lee that everyone else knew. Besides the one earned in flight school, Lee Adama had also earned a reputation at the Academy as a tough son of a bitch who didn't accept any deviations from what was expected. He knew the rules, and he was not going to break them or alter them for anyone.

When she got this letter, she understood for the first time that Zak had been correct and the rest of the fleet had been wrong. Lee was just as flawed as the rest of them. He just didn't let it show on the surface.

His newly displayed vulnerability was why she began to write him back just as often as he wrote her. She saw a kindred spirit somewhere in all those polite words.

She looked up to stare at the picture in her locker again. When had their relationship turned? No matter how many times she read these letters, she couldn't pinpoint it. When had those words gone from polite conversation to jokes between friends to the kind of things you only told the person you love?

Her eyes caught on a piece of paper that was heavily worn and earmarked. This one was her favorite by far. It was the one that she had read almost every night before she fell asleep, if she had the energy.

__

Dear Screw-up,

You have a twenty-four hour leave on Caprica, and you don't even make it five hours before ending up in hack. Everything they say about you is true. You really are too hotheaded for your own good.

I'll let you in on a secret, though. I used to find myself in hack every other week when I first started at the Academy. I'm sure if we had known each other in those beginning days, we would have become fast friends. I have the Adama temper, and you have… I don't know what you have, but it's not exactly a good thing.

I often wonder why we didn't really know each other during Academy. We were both the best pilots in our class. Protocol would almost have demanded our instructors pit us up against each other in simulators. I never met you more than once or twice, though. There never really was an answer about which one of us was better in the air. I guess we were both good in our own ways.

I didn't even connect you to the legend of Starbuck until Zak told me that he had landed the very same legendary Starbuck for a wife. He did talk about you all the time, but he never really said who you were until that day. I didn't connect the kind, gentle Kara he talked about to the brash, impulsive Starbuck. I didn't even know he was serious about your relationship until he told me that he was marrying you. I still feel bad that I didn't take emergency leave to go talk to him about you in person the second he told me about the engagement. It was something that a big brother should have done to make sure his little brother's head was in control instead of other parts of his anatomy. Maybe if I had shown up, he would have missed that solo flight he had been assigned.

Maybes aren't going to help us, are they? I wasn't there, and I never really met you until his funeral. At least I know you now.

Stay away from the alcohol, Kara. I only have so many favors I can call in to get you out of hack.

Your Savior

To this day, she still had no idea how or why he did it. But he pretty much saved her flying career with that one selfless act. If Commander Adama had found out she had gotten thrown into the brig planet side, as much as he respected her, he would have had to demand she be reassigned. A pilot with an alcohol problem and a temper shouldn't be in the skies. It was the unofficial rule of the officers in charge of keeping their ships running.

Lee had gotten her out of hack, and she had made her shuttle back up to Galactica. To this day, no one knew what had happened to her during those twenty-four hours except for the two of them.

Her mind flashed to the memory of the words he had said to her when he arrived on Galactica a month and a half earlier to find her locked up for punching a superior officer. The situation had seemed familiar to her, too, even though he had never seen her in hack.

That day, her heart had practically dropped out to see him leaning there against the bars. This was only the third time they had ever spoken face to face. She had no idea what to say to him, and the awkwardness had just hung there in the air between them. Eventually, she took the easy way out and brought up the subject of his father. The conversation had ended.

She could still feel it, that awkwardness, in their exchanges to this day. They both knew each other better than anyone else in the whole world, but there was no explanation they could give as to why. The letters they had shared over the two years was something that neither one wanted to talk about. It was private. She didn't even know how the words exchanged between them had created such a strong bond of friendship. There weren't really any massive revelations or thought-provoking questions in the letters. They were just words on a page.

Since they couldn't even explain it themselves, she and Lee just surrendered to the teasing and gossip that maybe there was something going on between the Commander's son and the lead pilot. It was easier to just ignore the chatter then try to define their relationship.

Kara folded up the letter and shook her head. It had all seemed so simple when Lee had first shown up on Galactica. It stayed simple until the day she realized the rumors and the gossip might actually be true. There was something between Lee and herself, even if she was the only one that felt it. There was something more in those letters than what was on the surface.

After what had just happened an hour earlier, there was no doubt in her mind that she was dead-set in love with Lee. There was no excuse that would add up to her moaning his name while another man was inside her.

Embarrassed at the thought of what she had done, her eyes fell onto the one letter she had never opened. It had been delivered to the Galactica while she was in brig and while the rest of the fleet was being killed by the Cylons. That had been the last shipment of mail ever to be sent in the Twelve Colonies.

With all the chaos never stopping, she had never found time to open it and read. A part of her didn't really want to. As long as she still had one letter left to read, then her relationship with Lee was still there. If she still had one more letter, she wouldn't risk forgetting what it had been like to receive his letters those first few months. How she had come to unconsciously look forward to hearing about his flip-flopping positions throughout the fleet as he struggled to find a place for himself. How the tone of the letters had changed once she had started writing back. How he seemed to understand what she was going through and how much she was hurting even though all she ever told him was the most trivial, superficial details of her life.

Again, without much reason or warning, her mind flashed back to dancing with Gaius in the middle of the dance floor. He had whispered so many compliments in her ear that it made her want to punch him hard in the jaw just to get him to shut up. Fluffy words had never worked on her. Plus, it had been apparent to her from the start that, like most of the fleet, he wanted to get the legendary Starbuck in his bed. He was just showering her with praises to get what he wanted.

Her eyes had met Lee's across the floor where he was leaning against the bar. He gave her a wink and held up his glass in a small salute.

She had giggled and rolled her eyes, and Gaius had assumed that she was laughing at something he had said. He pulled her as close as he could, and she looked over at Lee in time to see him avert his eyes quickly. It pissed her off to know that Lee thought she would actually give a slimy guy like Baltar a shot.

When she got pissed off, her rationality usually changed places with her impulsivity. This particular time, it seemed like she had chosen to impulsively prove Lee right. If he thought she was that kind of girl, she would be that kind of girl. She gave Gaius Baltar a shot, and in her own frakked up way, she gave Lee a shot, too.

His face had looked so hurt as she lay under him, realizing her mistake. It surprised her to realize that she may have read the good Doctor wrong and he hadn't just wanted to get the legendary pilot in bed. That thought was absurd, though. Gaius had no clue who Kara Thrace was. He just knew the façade she put up in her role as Starbuck. There was no way he could have been that hurt by her slip-up.

Not wanting to think about what she had done anymore and whether or not she had caused the Doctor any sort of pain, she grabbed the unopened envelope and slid her finger along the seal. She could practically smell the planet Lee had mailed it from as she pulled the paper out.

__

Kara,

You'll probably get this by the time I make it to Galactica. I wanted to explain why I have decided to not channel my inner-Starbuck and disobey orders. I figure that it might be too awkward between us in person to actually be able to tell you why I decided to show up. I would probably just fumble with my words and end up arguing with you about something that had nothing to do with anything that matters. And then you would never know about my offer.

I've heard that you're not doing too well, even though each letter you send me says you think you're getting better. You're not eating, and you've been disobeying orders starting with the CAG and going all the way up the chain of command. Don't ask me how I found out. I just did. And I'm worried. You haven't been this bad since those few months right after the accident.

The anniversary of Zak's death is coming up, and I know that you need someone to help you through it. That's the main reason I chose to come to Galactica. With the ship being decommissioned, you're going to be on your own for the first time in years. I used up the last of my favors, but I have an offer from my Commander to ask you to join the crew of the Atlantia.

I think it's high time that we started talking about our issues face to face.

Lee

After piling the letters up and shutting them safely away, Kara stood up and stretched. She grabbed a sweater and pair of pants out of her nearby locker. The ship was especially cold to her that morning. She must have gotten spoiled being on that luxury cruiser with its artificial sunlight and gentle winds. A cold Battlestar would never be appealing to her again.

She walked over to the hatch, pausing to look back at her bunk. There were more letters that she could read, but she knew that she was on schedule to do maintenance for the Cylon Raider in a few hours. On top of that, Cally had been the only person to see her since she slipped out of the party and back to Galactica with the Doctor the night before. They would be wondering what had happened to her.

But mostly, she really wanted to find Lee. There were a few things she needed to talk to him about.


End file.
